Lack of preparation and a new line of thinking

Thanksgiving is a time that one often finds himself in the path of his speeding family if one is not careful to make the proper adjustments to assure that he's matched their speed and direction beforehand. Sadly, I did not make these preparations. This Thanksgiving unfolded much like I would have predicted had I never made any efforts (albeit in private and anonymous blog form) to change things.
-I didn't talk much to anyone
-When asked, I didn't reveal much
-It never occurred to me to talk about anything going on in my life
-I silently asked myself why I couldn't be happy for my mom and dad when they can be so happy for me

I'm really starting to think that I have some kind of social anxiety disorder but only when I'm around my family. If it's just me and my sister, I'm ok, but as soon as my parents are in the mix, then it's like I'm in complete emotional lockdown...nothing in, nothing out. Flat affect all around. I think I made one or two decent jokes, but that was it. It's like I can muster a smile if something is funny enough to me, but outside of that I'm a complete stoic. It sucks, but I don't know any other way to be and it's as though I no longer possess the functional intelligence to adapt my behavior in the situation, ie once I'm around them I have no capacity to change.

On the drive back, I called home just to let them know I'm on the road and ok, but it ended up being a 30 minute conversation about the situation with her. A situation that I can barely explain to myself, but one that I always find myself defending. I don't want to bog on that though. The important part of the conversation was that I kind of got mad with mom, and that doesn't really happen. I don't recall many times when I've shown any kind of anger with her, but the funny thing was when she said "you don't have to be angry" my response was "I'm not angry...it's just frustration" And so again, I lessen my emotions, I discredit my feelings. Would it have been terrible to say "I'm angry." Probably not, but I wouldn't have been able to say why. There is a lot of unactualized anger towards my mom in particular, and I have no rational explanation for it. She's been a great mom, and she's an exceptional woman, but I suppose that there's some part of me that's angry with her for some reason. Maybe it thinks that she's the reason I am the way I am: soft, passive, "nice", overly invested in the comfort of others, weak, people pleasing, and on and on. It's weird because she's not really any of these things, but somehow I've ended up that way. She's strong and believes what she believes strongly. She doesn't back down, she is respectful and tactful, but she doesn't allow others to take advantage or push her around....

Holy shit...the more I really look at this, the character of my mom is a lot like the character of my ideal self. Assertive but graceful, uncompromising when it really counts...son of a bitch. This may be kind of a breakthrough..."what alcoholics refer to as a moment of clarity," (Thanks Jules). This merits much more thought...

This one counts

I've started on a journey, though I'm not really sure where the trail is, or more likely, it's just not there to begin with. It requires faith and discipline, probably the two things in life that I have least of, but it's something I must do in order to become the man I'm supposed to be. This is the diary of my failures, my past, my future, the struggles and joys of my present.

Right now, I am quite aware of you, reader, but I hope over time, I will learn to shut you out and write only for me, which I think will make it much more compelling reading to be honest. You are a consideration for me now. I write with you in mind, much like I live most of my life in the consideration of others, which is what this is all about. Getting away from that "obligation." Freeing myself from the opinions of others. No more passivity. No more keeping the peace. If it is right to get angry, then I will claim it and be done. I will love with clarity and depth. I will love enough to say no with conviction. I will be a leader. I will fail spectacularly and not be ashamed. I will not abide evil when it is in my power to counter it. I will embrace my gifts, feed my creativity, and awaken the passion to put them to good use.

I've given too much of myself away. The people I love need a good man. I am too much a selfish child. I am ending that now. With the grace of God, the example of Jesus, and the guidance of the Holy Spirit, I will be fulfilled. I pray.