Some Self-Indulgent Heartbreak Leading to Angry Rant at God

I suppose my heart has been heavier than it is now, but even if I could remember, that would provide no relief by comparison. I wish it was as easy to un-love someone as it is to love them in the first place. But it’s not. So I’m here, feeling my heart turn black in a slow fire. And once it’s all turned to ash, the breeze of a new love will sweep it away some day and a new, slightly smaller heart will grow to replace it.

I thought I had the endurance and patience to last through the recovery period of she whom I truly believed would outdo all who came before; and after whom there would be none other. I hoped for the future, for the re-emergence of her instincts to love again, for God to clear her heart of unhealthy beliefs about men, for her actions to match the desires she expressed. (And for the record, this is not at all the result of any physical expectations I had of her. There were none, aside from the occasional hug.) But I can’t wait anymore. I thought I could endure silence and absence of affection as she went through the too long recovery period from an event that I sometimes question as being part of God’s plan.

I know I’m just a stupid human, but how can putting someone through that be for their own good and Your own glory? She was faithful and good to You all her life, and my only hope is that You’ve got something so great in store for her that even You're impressed by it and that You assure her of that every day she’s forced to endure the injustice of her past. I can barely control my anger as I write this. And I’m not angry because that injustice is the root cause of why my love can’t love me back. It’s simply unfair, and I hope that one day I’ll understand the Divine Logic that sees it right to allow the wolves to ravage the best of Your flock. My faith is not in jeopardy, but I can’t just accept such a life-crippling blow to one You love and who loves You so much without question.

I hadn’t intended to go there, but it just came out that way. But to re-connect to my earlier subject, it’s been made clear to me that now is not the time with her, despite the love she has for me. She’s not equipped to love equitably yet, and what I thought might be a process that takes months looks like it will take years. I wish I could wait longer, but I just can’t keep giving and getting nothing in return.

It would be easy if she bore me some ill will, but she loves me. It would be easy if she wasn’t practically everything I want in a woman; who I would be happy if my someday daughter turned out to be just like, but she is. It would be easy if just being a decent guy was a cure for having been with assholes, but it’s not. It would be easy if undying love and support could combat a past sexual assault, but it can’t.

I've tried to love with patience and without expectation, but I just don't guess I have it in me to stick it out for the long haul. I did my best to divert disappointment and frustration at the lack of reciprocity. But I can't expect nothing. Not when I'm inclined to give so much. And I can't seem to just give less, because it's ingenuine. And that again wouldn't solve the problem of a woman who can give nothing, or rather, a woman who hasn't yet escaped the victim's mentality, where nothing can be given because all things are taken. She can't yet act because she only knows being acted upon.

She wishes she was ready to be with someone, but not yet. If in a few years things are different, and we’re thrown back in the mix together, then I know this current pain will have been endured for no greater cause. But for now it’s just hard to see any good in this.

I’m inclined to tell myself, “gee, it’ll get better,” and “time will heal,” but everything is gray and I’ve only got doubt and tears. We’ve all been here before, but that is no consolation for the time being.