Musings on the elder son

**The elder son refers to the prodigal son story in Luke's gospel. He's reluctant to accept his younger brother who has returned after sqaundering his father's inheritance. He's also at odds with his father who openly embraces his prodigal son, despite his transgressions.**

I am the older son. I sometimes wish I was the younger son. Can you trade in your sins? I'm tired of the ones I have. I'd like to try some others for a while. I'll trade my moral superiority and judgmental attitude for some sins of the flesh. I find myself wishing that I was the younger son, who openly broke the rules and defied his father. The elder followed the rules and expected to be rewarded over his brother, but he wasn't. In that story, who appreciates the love of his father more, the son who defied him, or the son who felt he was entitled to it?

He who is forgiven little, loves little. - Luke 7:47

If both the elder and younger sons are sinners, then whose actions demonstrate that nature? Who is better able to see the error of his ways? The younger of course. It seems to me that it's better to be the younger son, who because of his transgressions has a much better reference point for the greatness of the Father's love. He has owned his sin, and so can better see himself as a sinner. The self-righteous older brother doesn't see his sinful nature as clearly, and therefore he is likely to take for granted his father's love. Or in the case of the story, he is not able to fully accept the "inheritance" that is given to him. He doesn't even know that it's available to him, perhaps because he's so worried about maintaining his high moral standards. His preoccupation with moral performance blinds him and damages his relationship both with his father and his brother.

Perhaps doing whatever it takes to embrace our sinful nature is truly the first step to accepting love. If God's grace is supposed to flow into us through the cracks in our souls, then where is that love supposed to go when one's soul is "flawless." In order to be forgiven, you must be able to see your sins, but I don't always feel like I'm a sinner. As counter-intuitive as it sounds, perhaps I've got to figure out how to best see myself as a sinner by actually getting my hands dirty in it, instead of trying to pretend it's not my nature. Should those of us who suffer from the sins of the elder son then willingly stab holes in ourselves so that God's love may enter?

Or maybe that's exactly what the devil wants me to believe. He wants me to explore the world of sin, to find my place in it with the idea that I'll be able to then find my way back using the light of Christ. Maybe he wants me to think that there will be light at the end of the tunnel, so that I will confidently enter, only to find that there is no end and no light, only darkness and separation. I really don't know.

Now obviously, I know I am a sinner. I can make you a laundry list of actions and thoughts that I've had in the last 48 hours that demonstrate my nature as a sinner. The problem is that I don't always feel like a sinner. I get caught up in all the things I do "right." I get caught up in comparing my "morally superior" actions to those of other believers whose fleece is "soiled", and yet I am confident of their salvation, so I resent them for it. I want to have their fun and still be forgiven, but fear and guilt keep me from it. I want to trade my pride, judgment, and resentment that I keep under the surface for some lust or materialism that everyone can see.

Those who have fallen far seem to be so much more grateful for the love they're given. I need to feel grateful and I rarely do. If the love I feel is based on my own assessment of my moral performance, then how can I love God and his people without the same conditions? It's hard to fathom, because I feel like I'm capable of loving so deeply, but when I really look at it, the easiest way for someone to lose my love is by not doing what I expect them to do, not living by certain standards (that are different for each person, btw). That's horrible. It's selfish and childish. It's the exact opposite of what God's love is: unconditional, unwavering, patient, pure. I've got so much to fix in my life. God has so much to fix in my life...