Jealousy/Cain

I'm in a bit of a state right now, and the loathing that I have for this particular aspect of my personality, that being my jealous side, is so intense that I'm feeling it in my body. Chest is tight. A bit twitchy. Intractable scowl. I'm so angry at myself. I hate myself.

It's jealousy. The one whom I love told me earlier about a wonderful experience she had tonight that I wasn't there for (but desperately wanted to be) and my internal response was anxiety, fear, nervousness.

My appetite vanished. Tense. Twitchy. Like before a fight. I was fearful, fearful of the unknown. What was happening there? Is she having more fun because I'm not there? Did she purposefully not invite me because she knows I'm jealous? What great memories she'll have that I won't be a part of? If I'm not a part of everything positive in her life, she'll know it. It'll make her forget me, surely. I'm not enough on my own. I'm inadequate and I will be cast aside.

I fear I am not loved, and I am paralyzed. Completely terrified of being forgotten, and thus I hate the good things that happen to her. I hate that she does not want me to join her in her happiness. Above all, I hate myself. I can't love. I thought I could, but it's empty, conditional, jealous, self-serving, and worst of all, hurtful to her and the others I claim to "love" most. Wretched. Absolutely wretched. That's how I am. That's who I am. I'm Cain. I'm the Elder son. And I don't know how not to be.

Am I being overly dramatic? A month from now, yes.

right now, no.