Jealousy/Cain

I'm in a bit of a state right now, and the loathing that I have for this particular aspect of my personality, that being my jealous side, is so intense that I'm feeling it in my body. Chest is tight. A bit twitchy. Intractable scowl. I'm so angry at myself. I hate myself.

It's jealousy. The one whom I love told me earlier about a wonderful experience she had tonight that I wasn't there for (but desperately wanted to be) and my internal response was anxiety, fear, nervousness.

My appetite vanished. Tense. Twitchy. Like before a fight. I was fearful, fearful of the unknown. What was happening there? Is she having more fun because I'm not there? Did she purposefully not invite me because she knows I'm jealous? What great memories she'll have that I won't be a part of? If I'm not a part of everything positive in her life, she'll know it. It'll make her forget me, surely. I'm not enough on my own. I'm inadequate and I will be cast aside.

I fear I am not loved, and I am paralyzed. Completely terrified of being forgotten, and thus I hate the good things that happen to her. I hate that she does not want me to join her in her happiness. Above all, I hate myself. I can't love. I thought I could, but it's empty, conditional, jealous, self-serving, and worst of all, hurtful to her and the others I claim to "love" most. Wretched. Absolutely wretched. That's how I am. That's who I am. I'm Cain. I'm the Elder son. And I don't know how not to be.

Am I being overly dramatic? A month from now, yes.

right now, no.

Someone has set us up the balls.

OK, most of this will only make sense to me, but that is good. This one is more for personal archival purposes than self-reflection for the edification and enjoyment of the masses. I had a really long, really great pep-talk/jedi council meeting with N. Charles tonight. Over four hours worth, but he really set me straight on how to deal with the situation. To catch me up to speed when I read this again in the future, last week, she revealed to me that she was dating someone.

(Should anyone else be reading this, despite my warnings above, and wonder who she is, in short, she is a close friend who was my girlfriend at one point a couple of years ago, yet we have remained close and there has been a romantic air ever since (though I feel it more for her than she for me), but she is too uncertain of how men fit into her life and thinks I'm wonderful, but is scared or uncertain about giving 'us' another shot and by the way, we are co-owners of a business and by the way, we at least talk to each other every day...so I've basically got as much chance of resolving this situation favorably as I do of summiting the Matterhorn with Crisco boots, right? "Pretty much," the audience agrees.)

Someone is of little consequence, but suffice it to say the initial revelation, though I had attempted to prepare myself for it, still wrenched my heart and threw me into a mental flat spin. My response was calm, the conversation continued on for quite a while, I don't think I came across as terribly upset, and she gave me a tender hug at the end of the night, but nonetheless, the ensuing couple of days were filled with insomnia, rumination, malnutrition, utter depression and thoughts of the what-if.

"We'll be okay letting her go," I say.
"No we won't, actually. Weren't you paying attention?" I also say.

I was comforted by the fact that I'm pretty sure things aren't going to last with Someone, and at one point over the weekend, I remember feeling empowered by the notion that I actually feel kind of sorry for her that she can't fully appreciate relationships with men. After one good night's sleep and a return to more normal dietary habits, I was feeling better today. (Thank you JuicePlus and Awakening)

Though I was better, there still existed a problems and questions. What of the business? What if she or I ends up with someone else and gets married? We both agreed the business would then end, though neither of us would be happy to see that happen. We're quite good at what we do, and our future as creative business partners is looking very good. Positive forward looking statements abound for the business, but for 'us' it's only been 'uncertain.'

Upon presenting all of this information to N. Charles, what ensued was a brilliant display of honesty and diplomacy. He told me what I needed to hear. He didn't want to see me get jerked around, and whether she knows it or not, she is jerking me around. Had I not specifically scheduled an 'open forum' style discussion with her, who knows if she would have even told me by now, nine days later. Everything about her tone, her way of presenting the information and the ensuing discussion led me to believe that she was trying to protect me, but I never thought until tonight to ask why? She knows how I'd probably react. She knows I still have feelings for her, yet she continues to aggressively pursue a business with me, so either she still has hope for 'us', she's just trying to get as much use out of me as a business partner before things go pear-shaped, or she doesn't know what she wants and is just going along for the ride. Any way you slice it, I have some things to confront her about. And so I'm going to. You'll definitely hear about how it goes...

Musings on the elder son

**The elder son refers to the prodigal son story in Luke's gospel. He's reluctant to accept his younger brother who has returned after sqaundering his father's inheritance. He's also at odds with his father who openly embraces his prodigal son, despite his transgressions.**

I am the older son. I sometimes wish I was the younger son. Can you trade in your sins? I'm tired of the ones I have. I'd like to try some others for a while. I'll trade my moral superiority and judgmental attitude for some sins of the flesh. I find myself wishing that I was the younger son, who openly broke the rules and defied his father. The elder followed the rules and expected to be rewarded over his brother, but he wasn't. In that story, who appreciates the love of his father more, the son who defied him, or the son who felt he was entitled to it?

He who is forgiven little, loves little. - Luke 7:47

If both the elder and younger sons are sinners, then whose actions demonstrate that nature? Who is better able to see the error of his ways? The younger of course. It seems to me that it's better to be the younger son, who because of his transgressions has a much better reference point for the greatness of the Father's love. He has owned his sin, and so can better see himself as a sinner. The self-righteous older brother doesn't see his sinful nature as clearly, and therefore he is likely to take for granted his father's love. Or in the case of the story, he is not able to fully accept the "inheritance" that is given to him. He doesn't even know that it's available to him, perhaps because he's so worried about maintaining his high moral standards. His preoccupation with moral performance blinds him and damages his relationship both with his father and his brother.

Perhaps doing whatever it takes to embrace our sinful nature is truly the first step to accepting love. If God's grace is supposed to flow into us through the cracks in our souls, then where is that love supposed to go when one's soul is "flawless." In order to be forgiven, you must be able to see your sins, but I don't always feel like I'm a sinner. As counter-intuitive as it sounds, perhaps I've got to figure out how to best see myself as a sinner by actually getting my hands dirty in it, instead of trying to pretend it's not my nature. Should those of us who suffer from the sins of the elder son then willingly stab holes in ourselves so that God's love may enter?

Or maybe that's exactly what the devil wants me to believe. He wants me to explore the world of sin, to find my place in it with the idea that I'll be able to then find my way back using the light of Christ. Maybe he wants me to think that there will be light at the end of the tunnel, so that I will confidently enter, only to find that there is no end and no light, only darkness and separation. I really don't know.

Now obviously, I know I am a sinner. I can make you a laundry list of actions and thoughts that I've had in the last 48 hours that demonstrate my nature as a sinner. The problem is that I don't always feel like a sinner. I get caught up in all the things I do "right." I get caught up in comparing my "morally superior" actions to those of other believers whose fleece is "soiled", and yet I am confident of their salvation, so I resent them for it. I want to have their fun and still be forgiven, but fear and guilt keep me from it. I want to trade my pride, judgment, and resentment that I keep under the surface for some lust or materialism that everyone can see.

Those who have fallen far seem to be so much more grateful for the love they're given. I need to feel grateful and I rarely do. If the love I feel is based on my own assessment of my moral performance, then how can I love God and his people without the same conditions? It's hard to fathom, because I feel like I'm capable of loving so deeply, but when I really look at it, the easiest way for someone to lose my love is by not doing what I expect them to do, not living by certain standards (that are different for each person, btw). That's horrible. It's selfish and childish. It's the exact opposite of what God's love is: unconditional, unwavering, patient, pure. I've got so much to fix in my life. God has so much to fix in my life...

Weakness, thy name is she who is interested.

And it came to pass that on the evening of a certain weekend after a certain number of beers and no food that I did find myself in the embrace of a woman whom I knew in the friendly sense, and who wanted to know me in a sense, Biblical.

I couldn't say no. When an attractive woman throws herself at you, what are you supposed to do? I played dumb, like I didn't know what was going to happen. And granted, nothing major did happen. Everyone's pants stayed on and we didn't really get much past a PG-13 rating. But that's beside the point. I knew this woman would never be my wife, yet I allowed her to come on to me, and I allowed myself to indulge in her affections.

And practically like clockwork, a fairly significant event for me the next day got all screwed up. Everyone says that God is not really about punishment, but I'll be damned if He doesn't smack my life around a lot after I go and do something stupid. The problem is that I still haven't learned. I have a weakness for women. If she is really into me, then I'll just about do anything. I'm doing a lot better about controlling myself when it comes to physical relations, but I'm still such a pushover. My will turns to jell-o when a pretty girl wants me to do something, even if it's not something I would ever consider in the moments when she's not there.

And to complicate things even further, she is still around, albeit as a friend, nothing more. I don't really have a solid argument for why I should feel guilty, like I've cheated on her even though we're not together, but I still do. I feel that if she had been there, she would have been so hurt at what she saw.

I pray that God will take these sins away. She's so good, and I'm so weak. I need strength and the clarity to stick to my convictions. I had done quite well for quite a while, but now it seems like women are coming out of the woodwork after me, and although that's not necessarily a bad thing, I just don't know how to handle it. It's crazy. When it rains, it really f-ing pours around here. I know it's okay to date around a bit, but is a follower of Christ allowed to make out with a girl that might not end up being his spouse? What the hell?? I guarantee that there were women who would have been all over Jesus if He had allowed them to be, right? When Satan was tempting Jesus in the desert, he never said, "Just give me a high five, and the most beautiful woman in the world will be your wife." How was it that we never heard about Jesus getting hit on, even by well-meaning women. It must have happened, don't you think?

I want to know my wife. Now. I don't care if we get married ten years from now, but I just want to know who she is, so I can tell the others that I'm taken, that I'm saving everything I have for the one that's saving everything she has for me. It would be so much easier.

Some Self-Indulgent Heartbreak Leading to Angry Rant at God

I suppose my heart has been heavier than it is now, but even if I could remember, that would provide no relief by comparison. I wish it was as easy to un-love someone as it is to love them in the first place. But it’s not. So I’m here, feeling my heart turn black in a slow fire. And once it’s all turned to ash, the breeze of a new love will sweep it away some day and a new, slightly smaller heart will grow to replace it.

I thought I had the endurance and patience to last through the recovery period of she whom I truly believed would outdo all who came before; and after whom there would be none other. I hoped for the future, for the re-emergence of her instincts to love again, for God to clear her heart of unhealthy beliefs about men, for her actions to match the desires she expressed. (And for the record, this is not at all the result of any physical expectations I had of her. There were none, aside from the occasional hug.) But I can’t wait anymore. I thought I could endure silence and absence of affection as she went through the too long recovery period from an event that I sometimes question as being part of God’s plan.

I know I’m just a stupid human, but how can putting someone through that be for their own good and Your own glory? She was faithful and good to You all her life, and my only hope is that You’ve got something so great in store for her that even You're impressed by it and that You assure her of that every day she’s forced to endure the injustice of her past. I can barely control my anger as I write this. And I’m not angry because that injustice is the root cause of why my love can’t love me back. It’s simply unfair, and I hope that one day I’ll understand the Divine Logic that sees it right to allow the wolves to ravage the best of Your flock. My faith is not in jeopardy, but I can’t just accept such a life-crippling blow to one You love and who loves You so much without question.

I hadn’t intended to go there, but it just came out that way. But to re-connect to my earlier subject, it’s been made clear to me that now is not the time with her, despite the love she has for me. She’s not equipped to love equitably yet, and what I thought might be a process that takes months looks like it will take years. I wish I could wait longer, but I just can’t keep giving and getting nothing in return.

It would be easy if she bore me some ill will, but she loves me. It would be easy if she wasn’t practically everything I want in a woman; who I would be happy if my someday daughter turned out to be just like, but she is. It would be easy if just being a decent guy was a cure for having been with assholes, but it’s not. It would be easy if undying love and support could combat a past sexual assault, but it can’t.

I've tried to love with patience and without expectation, but I just don't guess I have it in me to stick it out for the long haul. I did my best to divert disappointment and frustration at the lack of reciprocity. But I can't expect nothing. Not when I'm inclined to give so much. And I can't seem to just give less, because it's ingenuine. And that again wouldn't solve the problem of a woman who can give nothing, or rather, a woman who hasn't yet escaped the victim's mentality, where nothing can be given because all things are taken. She can't yet act because she only knows being acted upon.

She wishes she was ready to be with someone, but not yet. If in a few years things are different, and we’re thrown back in the mix together, then I know this current pain will have been endured for no greater cause. But for now it’s just hard to see any good in this.

I’m inclined to tell myself, “gee, it’ll get better,” and “time will heal,” but everything is gray and I’ve only got doubt and tears. We’ve all been here before, but that is no consolation for the time being.

Of troublesome expectations...

The word expectation has jumped out at me a couple of times in the last 24 hours, and I'm taking notice. It first hit me as I was reading Annie's 12/11/05 post http://newliferising.blogspot.com (forgive my ignorance of basic html-one of those gaps I referred to in my last post-any pointers would be greatly appreciated!) where she said that "True gratitude requires letting go of expectations." The more I think about it, that is one of the most profound statements I've ever read. I'm amazed that I'm just now understanding this (actually I'm disappointed, because I expected to have figured this out sooner...see what I'm talking about?) Unhappiness in large part simply boils down to not getting or not having what you want (or think you deserve), which implies that you expected something else in its place. And it doesn't even have to be something specific, just "not this," whether "this" is the quality of your relationship, or your Christmas present.

Logic would then say that if you remove expectation, you would lose most of your ability to be unhappy, because it wouldn't allow for the possibility of something better than what is. If any of you have ever read C.S. Lewis's PERELANDRA (2nd book in his space trilogy, which is a must read even if you're not into science fiction), then you'll remember how "The Green Lady" (read: Eve) had no concept of there being anything other than what was. So for example, if she was eating a certain fruit, it would never occur to her to think, 'I'd rather have a different fruit.' Her only thought would be 'The fruit I have is good.' She didn't understand what it meant to contemplate alternatives, and therefore, she had absolutely no expectations about anything in her life.

Now for "The Green Lady," having no expectations wasn't a problem, because she lived in a world that hadn't fallen, and so everything that happened was good. Even if she were to contemplate alternatives, the alternative would be just the same as the reality in terms of "goodness." But in a world where everything isn't good and there are numerous degrees of both good and evil, it's almost impossible to avoid having expectations about how your life should be.

This is all coming from a problem that I'm now discovering that I have in relationships. I expect too much and continuously get frustrated when she doesn't act in the way I expect, or more precisely, think I deserve. I make it a point with girls to go beyond every expectation they've ever had about guys, and I've been very successful at that. Just about every girl I've ever dated will tell you that I surpassed all who came before me in terms of how I treated her and how special I made her feel. I love that. It makes me giddy when I think up an idea for a fun date that I know no other guy has ever done, or will ever do for her in the future. And even in simple matters of seeking out time for each other or just doing the things I say I'm going to do even if it's not convenient for me, I'm really good about that stuff.

But unfortunately, these same girls will probably tell you that there were points in our relationships where they felt like they were expected to be (or react) a certain way and that I did a very poor job of hiding my disappointment when they didn't meet my expectations. It's true, and I'm ashamed. I can think of several specific instances where I acted disapproving when something I did wasn't received like I thought it should be or things just didn't go like I thought they would in my head. It looks like I'm in the business of expecting others to act like I do in relationships, and that's not good, especially since my motto is to do everything better than everyone else. I've got a lot more thinking and posting to do on this, but it's getting late. More to come...

A long blog with no resolution

The process of changing yourself is truly baffling, or at least it is for me because when I look at my life I see so many things that I want to be different, so many gaps between myself and what I am capable of being that I'm looking for one place to start and finding that one place everywhere. I once wrote in a journal that one's happiness is a function of how closely his actual self corresponded to his ideal self. I don't suppose it applies to young children however, because they often don't have much of a concept of self, and certainly not any judgments with which to evaluate a self: a precious, beautiful ignorance that is.

Going on, I've always thought that the way to create a happy life for yourself is to grow your actual self into the shape of your ideal self, that part of life's duties are to make yourself better, but I'm starting to question that a bit. What if instead of moving yourself towards the ideal, you were to shape the ideal to what you are? Is that a give up? I know that God loves us perfectly even though we are stubbornly human, and so from that I can see how everyone in a sense is fine just as they are. I'm not implying that God will love us more if we are less judgmental or more disciplined at our jobs, but I guess I'm just questioning whether it's better to strive towards these improvements (often to disappointing results, as I've found) or to begin looking at ourselves as things that are ideal in their own way. What if that is the freedom one needs to really step out and make changes?

I suppose what I'm getting at is just removing judgment when it comes to looking at yourself. But that's something that I've been doing for so long I can't even see it any more. I suppose that at one time I had a normal inner voice, but the judgmental voice has all but replaced it. And to further complicate the matter, I'm not a terribly introspective person...I live a lot of my life on auto-pilot, relying on routine, habit, and programmed responses to get me through probably 85-90% of my daily life, and so even being quiet and more importantly, aware enough to even hear my inner voice is a sizeable task in itself, and so being able to then pick that voice apart and separate the good from the bad seems almost laughably impossible...

I don't have a solution for skimming the negative brain chatter off the good though. If I did, I'd bottle it, sell it, make a million dollars, and then have one less item on my list of self-criticisms.

Even as I write that though, I'm thinking "I really don't have any right to say that I'm self-critical", like there's a part of me that thinks I don't have that many faults, like my life doesn't require all the vast improvements that my rhetoric would have you believe. And that's probably true to a certain extent. On paper, my life looks pretty damn good, good family situation, decent job, good friends, lots of freedom, etc. My problems don't register very high on the richter scale of bad human experience. The pendulum of my life experience doesn't swing very wide. (more on that in another blog some day). But I think that's part of my problem. I don't have jack to complain about, and so I feel guilty that I'm complaining. My major life crisis is that I have so much potential that I'm not realizing. I have gifts and talents that I'm not doing a damn thing with, and that's my main issue. Is that not shallow? Why is it so much harder to embrace what's good in my life than to focus on what's wrong? I'm sure that if I could learn the true value of all that I have going for me, it would give me the energy to really improve the things I want to improve. Ergh...Getting frustrated. Going to stop now. Apologies.